Terms of Use

Wow! You actually came to this page. Our Swanky lawyer made us include it and made us use a little button to get you to come here. At first, we thought he was being a real pain as usual, but then we read the page. What a Netawakening! It's really important stuff. We took the legalese the lawyer wrote and translated it into readable English. After all, we are in the business of making things cool. So be a smart nethead and read the stuff on this page. It could prevent you from hearing from our lawyer (he's a big guy).

Here's the deal:
We run this site so that people like you (and people you like) can use it to shop for our products, for personal entertainment, information, education, communication, and cybergratification. So go ahead and browse around all you like. You can even download stuff from the site, but only for non-commercial, personal use. If you do, though, don't fool around with the copyright and other notices all over the site. They're there for a really good reason. Please don't think about distributing, modifying, transmitting, reusing, reposting, or doing anything else uncool with any part of the site. That includes using the text, images, and video for public or commercial purposes unless we give you written permission.

Any claim relating to the use of this site and the materials contained herein is governed by the laws of the State of Ohio. You consent to the exclusive jurisdiction of the state and federal courts located in Ohio.

If you visit our site, you're legally obligated to the terms and conditions listed below and any other law or regulation that applies to the site, the Internet, or the World Wide Web. You shouldn't access or browse the site if you have any problem with that, because once you start, there's no turning back - you are bound by the terms and conditions.

So here's the scoop on our Top Ten Rules for Cybersurfers who hang out on our site:

For everyone's sake, just assume that everything on the site is copyrighted unless we say it's not. So you can't use the stuff except how we say you can on this page or anywhere else on the site without our written permission.
While we try to include accurate stuff on the site, we're not promising you it's accurate. In fact, we're not promising you anything except good shopping, fun, and entertainment. So if you use stuff on the site, you're using it at your own risk. We assume no liability or responsibility for errors or omissions on the site. In addition, recipes have not been tested by members of our staff.
We and anybody else who helped us create, produce, or deliver the site are not liable for any damages you may suffer when you use it. In particular, our lawyer insists that we tell you that our disclaimer includes "direct, incidental, consequential, indirect, or punitive damages arising out of your access to, or use of, the site. Without limiting the foregoing, everything on the site is provided to you 'AS IS' WITHOUT WARRANTY OF ANY KIND, EITHER EXPRESSED OR IMPLIED, TO THE FULLEST EXTENT PERMISSABLE PURSUANT TO APPLICABLE LAW, WE DISCLAIM ALL WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, OR NON INFRINGEMENT. We do not warrant that the functions contained in the materials will be uninterrupted or error-free, that defects will be corrected, or that this site or the server that makes it available are free of viruses or other harmful components. Please note that some jurisdictions may not allow the exclusion of implied warranties, so some of the above exclusions may not apply to you. Check your local laws for any restrictions or limitations regarding the exclusion of implied warranties." Ugh! What a mouthful from the mouthpieces. We put all of that in quotes because we couldn't figure out any other way to say it that our lawyer would accept. But here's the bottom line - we're not responsible if you're browsing around and the site damages you or your computer or infects it with any nasty viruses. We sure hope that doesn't happen, but if it does, we are not responsible.
If you don't want the world to know something, don't post it on the site on any bulletin board or anyplace else. That's because anything you disclose to us is ours. That's right - ours. So we can do anything we want with the stuff you post. We can reproduce it, disclose it, transmit it, publish it, broadcast it, and post it someplace else. We can even send it to your mother (as soon as we find her address). Not only that, we can even use any ideas, concepts, know-how, or techniques you post any way we want to, including developing, manufacturing, and marketing products or other stuff using the information you post.
Pictures of people or places shown on the site are either our property or someone else's property we're using with their permission. No matter what, it's definitely not your property. You or any of your net-friends can't use it unless we say you can on this page or somewhere else on the site. Unauthorized use may violate all sorts of nasty laws. Be smart; keep the stuff you download to yourself. One think you can use are the banner on the affiliation pages. We want you to take them a use them to link to us as much as you can.
There's also a lot of trademarks, logos, and service marks on the site, including ones like Swank Martini Company® and Your One Swanky Bitch®, among others, that either we own or we're using with someone else's permission. You do not have any kind of license or right to use them. If you don't leave them alone and mess with our trademarks, logos, and service marks on our site, we'll go ballistic (so will the companies that own the other trademarks, logos, and service marks). That means that we're likely to sue you or to ask our lawyer to come after you for messing around with our property or the property of others. In the United States, Swank Martini® is a registered trademark of Hartten Enterprises Inc and used under license. If you mess with that, we'll come after you for sure.
You'll probably notice we've linked our site to lots of others. While that's cool, it doesn't mean we've looked at all those sites, much less checked them out periodically to see what's going on. So don't blame us if some site you link to is bad or has stuff on it that offends you or your pets. Go ahead and link, but remember, you're doing it at your own risk.
That brings us to what you can do on our own site. While we occasionally look at the postings on our bulletin boards, we take no responsibility and assume no liability for the content of those locations or for any mistakes, defamation, libel, slander, omissions, falsehoods, obscenity, pornography, or profanity you might encounter when you visit such places on our site. And don't be stupid by: posting or transmitting any unlawful, threatening, libelous, defamatory, obscene, scandalous, inflammatory, pornographic, nasty, mean, or profane material or any material that law enforcement types may consider a criminal offense; getting someone in court on a civil lawsuit, or for that matter violating any law - anywhere, anytime. While we certainly respect your privacy, we have no choice but to fully cooperate with any law enforcement authorities or court which might ask us who might have posted nasty stuff on our site.
Software that we use on this site is protected by all sorts of patriotic U.S. laws. Because of that, you can't download or send the software to anyone in the vacation travel spots of: Cuba, Iraq, Libya, North Korea, Iran, Syria, or any other country where the United States has embargoed goods; or (get this) to anyone on the United States Treasury Department's Table of Deny Orders; or the FBI's Most Wanted Internet Creeps List (just kidding on the last one). As if that were not tough enough, if you live in or are a national of any of those lovely places, you're not even supposed to be reading this page, so beat it!
We're also allowed to change this page and anything else on the site any time we want to. That's because it's ours and we have the programmers who can do it. If we do change the page, then you're bound by those changes, too, whenever you visit our site.
If this all sounds kind of mean and undiplomatic, you should have seen what our lawyer gave to us in the first place. We had to remind the big lug that human torture and sacrifice was outlawed in the United States. Boy, did he look disappointed!

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